Ky☺️

spicymemesociety:

austinado:

the worst emotional truama ive ever recieved in my life is in 2nd grade, i went to catholic school and i was really acting out that day because something my teacher did my made me blood boil, so i acted out and got to sit on a bench alone during recess

however, in defiance i ran to the slide and did the only thing i knew how to do when i was upset at someone and pissed my pants

my teacher was forced to clean up the unpacified rage that was my urination off the slide and of course my mom got called, when i got picked up by her later that day, she began to ask me if i still liked Hillary Duff, who was like my weird 2nd grader TV crush and i got all happy shaking my head like YEAH, YEAH I DO LIKE HILLARY DUFF IS SHE HERE

and thats when it struck, the peircing lance that struck my heart, and i will never forget these words my mother told me:

“Hillary Duff doesn’t like pee pee boys.”

wodneswynn:

hostilepopcorn:

pleaseaskbeforepetting:

horses are inherently funny because they come in so many sizes. like draft horses

this looks so fake. this horses skull is bigger than the dudes entire torso. this horses NECK is thicker than the dudes entire BODY.

and then at the opposite end of the spectrum you have shit like this shetland pony which ALSO looks fake

what the hell happened to this thing who bred this line of ponies to be so ridiculous

fun fact, while most mini horses and ponies look fat, like the shetland above, some are genuinely just scaled down versions of regular horses

you look at this and think “wow that’s a horse i bet I could ride that” but you’d be wrong because this is an american shetty and it’s the size of a large dog

also fun fact, this is the world’s smallest horse, thumbelina

and this is the largest horse ever, brooklyn supreme

I would fucking die for Brooklyn Supreme

silkirose:

agibufuziogaru:

daddyhyperion:

xelamanrique318:

remember when they made missy elliott a fish

and they made christina aguilera a jellyfish

And they performed the best goddamn cover of car wash to date next

Fishy Elliot

Fishtina Agualera

fueled-by-nightcore:

momotaaru:

when the gym teacher tells you to stop picking the grass

This is so mundane yet specific at the same time

ruffboijuliaburnsides:

toodrunktofindaurl:

toodrunktofindaurl:

toodrunktofindaurl:

toodrunktofindaurl:

toodrunktofindaurl:

toodrunktofindaurl:

my brother is getting married and i’m so excited to fulfill my destiny as the embarrassing drunk gay sister who flirts with the bride for the entire ceremony

i’m gonna yell “RUN AWAY WITH ME” to her during the vows

there are people out there genuinely worried that I’m gonna steal my brother’s bride away the day of their wedding… i’m laughing. I’ve known her since I was born, we just love annoying the shit out of my brother and this “you picked the wrong sibling” joke has been going on for as long as I can remember. The whole family is in on it. The three of us are super close, she’s always been family. Also we are really bad at romantic weddings (my Mom wore jeans at my Dad’s and hers, signed a bunch of papers and then got blackout drunk), and my brother and his girlfriend probably won’t even have a “real” ceremony, just a celebration between friends and family. I love my brother and he already knows I’m gonna pull some stupid stunt, it’s what we do. His girlfriend is usually the one to initiate these shitty jokes, I wouldn’t be surprised if she was the one to stop the “ceremony” to say some shit like “WAIT THIS IS THE WRONG SIBLING”. please don’t take any of this seriously lmao

that said, i’m definitely showing up half naked to her bachelorette party as the “surprise stripper” with a sash that says “the sibling your should be marrying” and a shitty plastic tiara

UPDATE: 

1) for people confused about the “I’ve known her since I was born (…) she’s always been family”: She’s the granddaughter of our parents’ neighbors, we all grew up together and my brother and her have been in love since they were babies. He held her hand as she made her first steps, they even have a picture on their wall of the moment before she first tried to get up

2) IT’S OFFICIAL, I’M GONNA BE MY BROTHER’S BEST MAN. AND YOU KNOW WHAT THE BEST MAN DO? A SPEECH. Everything is going according to plan.

I forgot to update this post. Probably because THESE TWO SNAKES GOT MARRIED BEHIND EVERYONE’S BACK, JUST THE TWO OF THEM, AND DIDN’T TELL ANYONE. Aka, there was no ceremony. They just went and signed a piece of paper on their own. Like I said, we aren’t big on Flashy And Romantic Weddings in this family. BUT STILL, I WAS ROBBED OF MY BIG MOMENT.

That said, they still hosted a gigantic party with friends and both families with like 100 people and a good 100 bottles of champagne & 100 more of wine (we’re French, don’t judge us). A lot of food, too. And a lot of food means a lot of napkins. And a lot of napkins means I could spend the entire night writing down my phone number on them and keep obnoxiously slipping them into the bride’s hands, pockets, plate, glass, collar etc while mouthing “call me” and doing the phone hand-motion. Which she obnoxiously answered with a fake-fanning hand motion and a wink every time, btw. My own Mother slipped her a napkin on my behalf at one point, too. My brother ripped every single napkins in half. After roughly 18 times of what was probably the most annoying running gag of all time, my brother finally decided to put me in a headlock.

Anyway, these two are still disgustingly, infuriatingly, madly in love, everyone was piss drunk and we all lived happily ever after,

The End.

FINAL UPDATE, and then I’ll stop sharing my family’s private life with the entire world: THESE TWO ARE HAVING A BABY!

My idiot brother is gonna be a whole ass PARENT. AN ENTIRE DAD. And I’m gonna be an AUNT (again, for the millionth time. We have a very big family, don’t even ask)

I, of course, already love that peach-stone sized future human being more than I ever loved anything in my entire life, and I am ready to fulfill my new destiny: to be the best weird and fun gay aunt who’s always travelling and only comes home to get drunk at family gatherings.

The new and improved plan is to get that kid on the “you married the wrong sibling” family running joke. I want the kid to tell me “I wish you were my Dad” by the time they’re 15. Their Mom is already on board, as is my own Mother. My brother not so much, but who cares about him anyway.

In all seriousness, I’m absolutely thrilled for my Brother and my Sister-in-Law. They’ve loved each other so fiercely and for so long, I couldn’t be happier to see them expand their own little family by bringing a whole entirely new human being into it. I know my brother, he has always wanted a kid for as long as I can remember. His happiness is all that matters to me. And BOY, is he happy! I love my family with my entire heart and soul, and I can’t wait to watch this little nugget grow up.

The End (for real this time)

this is the cutest and most pure (and purely family-shit-talking) thing I’ve ever seen in my fucking life.